Even though October has been designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month to bring to light the issue of domestic violence and its effects on victims, survivors, families, and communities, abuse can happen any time of the year. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in three women, and one in four men, have been victims of physical violence within their lifetime.
However, domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Office on Violence Against Women (OVW), “Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threat of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influences another person within an intimate partnership. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.”
What Can You Do?
There may be times you suspect that someone you know is being subjected to domestic violence and you want to get involved. However, Meredith McKeen, MSW, Vice President of Programs for NVFS, recommends that the situation should be handled carefully for a number of different reasons.
“Somebody who is experiencing domestic violence is likely to be very isolated,” says McKeen. “So, it is really important for friends and family to try to stay connected. However, it is best to do so thinking primarily about that person’s safety.”
McKeen endorses providing emotional support, but in a manner she describes as “listening without judgement.” In other words, not being critical of the partner who is potentially causing harm, but more to say how concerned you are about their safety.
“If someone is in a dangerous situation, hearing ‘I’m concerned about your safety,’ is really important, but leave it at that,” says McKee. “If there is danger in the relationship, one of the most important times is when someone decides to leave. It’s never up to anyone else to tell somebody what they need to do because they are the only ones who truly know how safe or not they are. It may feel counterintuitive, but the person experiencing the violence is the expert on their safety, especially if children are involved.”
If an opportunity safely presents itself, you and the person you are concerned about can establish a code phrase to let you know they need assistance. The phrase, which could be something like, “I need to borrow your phone charger” or “How did your dog’s surgery go?” can alert you to asking “Yes/No” questions that can help you determine what course of action is needed.
Northern Virginia Family Service (NVFS) offers seminars for people outside of domestic violence situations to provide guidance on how to safely approach the situation and offer assistance. In addition, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available for both the victim and those who are concerned about potential problems. They also have a toll-free number that can be safely used for assistance and guidance: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Keep Your Eyes And Ears Open
Even if you don’t know or suspect someone in your circle is being subjected to domestic violence, there are things to be aware of when out in public that can help others in trouble.
There is a hand signal called The Signal for Help that victims of domestic violence or trafficking can use that is not only important for people to know in the event they need it, but also for people on the outside to recognize so they can get help. That signal, which was created by the Canadian Women’s Foundation in 2020, is where someone shows the palm of their hand to you with fingers up as if to “high five,” then they tuck their thumb into the palm and roll the remaining four fingers over the thumb.
There is no nationally established code word or phrase that can be used over the phone when someone is in trouble. In some cases, people have asked to ‘order pizza delivery’ from a 9-1-1 dispatcher, providing them a way to ask ‘yes or no’ questions to ascertain details about a situation. However, some emergency services may interpret this as a prank. Texting 911 is also a way to notify authorities that something is wrong in situations where speaking over the phone isn’t possible.
If you happen to be in a bar and a problem occurs, some bars have established code words if patrons need assistance. One example shared by bartenders is the person in trouble can order an “angel fire shot,” that sends a signal to the bartender that that person is uncomfortable or in danger, especially in dating situations. The bartender may respond with whether the person in trouble would like the drink “Neat,” which means the person requesting it needs an escort to their car or needs another way to leave the establishment; “On ice” or “With rocks,” which means the patron needs a ride-share or taxi ordered; or “With a twist,” which signals an immediate threat and the police need to be called. There are variations to these codes depending on the bar and those interested in learning more should do local research. If you hear any of these phrases or similar ones in a bar or restaurant, the best thing to do is to move away and not to engage with the person ordering. The bar staff should be fully prepared for these kinds of situations and any intervention on your part could be dangerous to you and the person in trouble.
You Can Help
“If you are concerned about someone who may be experiencing domestic violence, there’s probably a really good reason for that,” says McKeen. “Part of what you can do is to provide information in a way that still keeps them safe.”
McKeen goes on to say that you need to be patient and don’t give up when working with a friend or family member.
“It can be frustrating sometimes to be concerned about somebody and not understand why they may be in that relationship. But there are many reasons why people stay, even when they know they are in danger. So, that’s why what we want to do to be helpful is to say there is help whenever you’re ready.”